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Thursday, December 12, 2013

The Mystery of the Ugly Christmas Sweater.


This post is rated M for mature audiences.



I normally wear a uniform to work, but this year somebody 
decided we should all wear an "Ugly Christmas Sweater"
to work on the day of our holiday potluck.

Why, why, why?
(Whining like an Olympic skater who's just been clubbed in the knee.)

Fashions come and fashions go,
but who EVER thought these abominations were fashionable?

Over the past year, I've become a member of the middle-aged post M group.
Ewwww.  I don't even like the word, but you know what I'm talkin' bout.
The Ma'am Club.  No more,  "Can I help you with that, Miss?"
....... unless of course he's trying to sell you a car.  :o)

.  I've come to the conclusion that there are only 2 positive things
 about going through this particular change and here they are:

1.  First and foremost, you are alive and kicking.  This is a biggie.
2.  You may be lucky enough to have grandchildren, and I'm blessed with 4.


Let's see, where am I going with this?  Yes, where the heck AM I going with this?
Oh, yes.

I worked with a nurse, now retired, who taught us "younger" gals
about the caterpillar effect that would someday overtake our bodies.
  Oh, how we laughed at her descriptions of what was to come,
never in a million years thinking it would happen to us.

Fast-forward 15 years.

   One day you reach around to rub your aching back and you feel it.
(insert Jaws theme song here)
Back fat.  Yes, back fat.  I said it.

It doesn't matter how much you weigh, it shows up like a mosquito in a tent.
A few inches lower comes the midriff bulge, followed closely by saddlebags.
  Blip, blip, blip.  Suddenly you've morphed into a caterpillar on legs!

Yikes!

Now that I've experienced the CE firsthand, I think I've unlocked the mystery
of who designed the very first Ugly Christmas Sweater.......
a charter member of The Ma'am Club! 

Think about it.  Nobody even notices the shape of your body because they 
can't look past the U.G.L.Y. you've got plastered to you torso!

Genius I say!
Let's add number 3 to the list.

3. Insight.

After searching far and wide, (our local Goodwill and Salvation Army have already sold out)
I found the first of many Ugly Christmas Sweaters I'll be wearing this holiday season
at my local Walmart.  Hurry out and buy one for yourself before they're gone!


She looks smokin' hot and I'm sure I will, too!
(Or maybe it's just because she's wearing a fireplace.)


What will you be hiding under wearing this holiday season?

This post has been brought to you by one hot-flashing mama!
Vickie


*You can find me partying at:
Common Ground Be Inspired

36 comments:

  1. I love the fan. I thought I missed hot flashes. Mine didn't start til a couple years ago. They are so embarrassing. My whole head gets ringing wet. Good that you got a vest instead of the whole sweater. I used to like these sweaters. Wonder if they will come back in style someday like every thing else has. So it's best you hold onto that ugly sweater.

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  2. Hahaha! My sons are wearing those Walmart sweater vests to a work party next week! They are hideous. The ones they wanted were sold out online so they were happy to find these in blue and red.
    I'll just keep to my jammies instead,
    Morphing as we speak!
    Merry Christmas, Vickie!

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  3. ;) Hehe. That was funny, funny Mom. You don't even believe anything until it actually happens to you. Like what happens to boobies after babies. ;) Hahahaha.

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  4. Can you hear me howling as I'm reading this?? Hoping you post a picture of YOU in the Christmas sweater!!
    Mary Alice

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  5. hehehe-yes, we gotta see a pic of you wearing that fireplace:) you crack me up and amaze me at the same time--great post, vickie! (i'm proud to say that i do not have saddlebags....yet:)

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  6. Nobody warned me about the aches and pains, but I tell myself "alive and kicking" is pretty good.

    I think it was the late 80s that everyone was wearing Christmas sweaters. I actually went out and paid good money for it. I have no idea what I did with it, but I imagine someone purchased it from the Goodwill Store and is wearing it for an Ugly Sweater Contest this year.

    Thanks for the laughs.

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  7. Wahhhhhh ha ha ha ha ha ha..... weren't you the one who told me to cover my dining room chairs with ugly sweaters? Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha.... now you're covering yourself? Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha.... I've gotta run out and get one.

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  8. Vickie you have me ROTF laughing. You are hysterical and will look it too when you wear the fireplace sweater. Manufactures must make these for just this party!! LOL Love the pic with the fan. Too funny. I have to tell ya, please don't hate me, I never did have the flashing. My mom didn't either so maybe it's something in the genes. LOL
    What a great post Vickie. You are amazing, sweater and all. Have fun!
    Hugs!

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  9. That is so funny and guess what .. The office where I work .. on the 23rd I will be right there with ya.. UGLY sweater happening LOL and we will be seeing patients with them on all day … IM jumping right on it. .. IM going to ROCK that sweater just like you .. xoxoxoxo Happy HOLIDAYS sister.. YOU GOT THIS

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  10. You've hit the nail on the head, I'm a caterpillar. I now realise that I desperately need a Christmas sweater, then no-one will look at my lumps and bumps because they'll be so drawn to the roaring fire on my torso !
    Very very very funny post

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  11. Vickie this was a great post, you had me laughing. This sweater, so very sad. It is one of the worst I've ever seen.

    Cynthia

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  12. This was a multi-giggle, Vicki. Wearing a fireplace...
    I actually remember wanting one years ago when they were fashionable and pricey, but not doing it.
    Go figure.

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  13. So funny, Vickie...and I bet you'll make that sweater look great! As a member of the ma'am club... (I guess I have been called much worse...) I bought a pair of red pajamas with white snowflakes today.
    Yes... I. Really. Did.

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  14. Very amusing post - The Big M and ugly Christmas sweaters - why has science not discovered this before? Is there a pill for that?

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  15. He he he... I think Henriheada is even happy she doesn't have to wear that vest!! It's great to see her again by the way! LOL on the caterpillar effect. Butterfly wings would be helpful to cover those bulges. I'm rather concerned about you wearing that fireplace with all that acrylic yarn goin' on and Santa ringin' his bells so close to one of the girls. Great post and so happy you found a vest to wear to help keep you you cool at the pot luck table. My favourite photo is Henriheada and the fan too. :)

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  16. Oh I'm so past that phase but it wasn't fun at all. I still stay 'warmer' then most! I think it's the extra insulation (aka fat) LOL on my body. I donated most of my 'ugly' sweaters this year, wonder who found them! Hugs!

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  17. I have a couple of "Christmas" sweaters that I ware at the antique shop! It's FUN!!!
    Deb

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  18. I laughed all through this. Thanks Vickie. Hugs, Deb

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  19. Excuse me Ma'ame ... but your sweaters on fire. Have fun at the party. You are bound to be belle of the ball. All you need is a light up necklace to go with.

    xo Danielle

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  20. All too true. I almost bought one of those sweaters at Walmart too. They are probably all scarfed up by now. You're so so funny.

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  21. Have fun at your party. Cute post. :)

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  22. After reading Tracy's comment all I can see on that sweater is Santa looking like he's pinching your boob! I must get one of those sweaters (not for the boob pinching effect, but because it will make one heck of a "gift" at the white elephant gift exchange).

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  23. Vickie,
    I hate to be the one to inform you, but ugly Christmas sweaters are still very much in style! Just drag yourself down to your local elementary school and you will see every style of "stylish" (Ugly)
    Christmas sweater that ever hit the stores! I can vouch for this first hand, all I have to do is go into my sister's closest, she teaches 1st grade! In her defense, I do have to say that all other 11mos of the year she is very well dressed and would be totally offended that I'm knocking her kid's very sophisticated sense of style!
    Very funny post!
    Rebecca

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  24. Having been a member of this elite club for a while now, I can definetly relate. I'll be looking for one of these too. I just can't believe how many I got rid of a few years ago.I just laughed out loud while reading this post and son in the other room thought I was going nuts!

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  25. LOL I went to a open house at an older couples house from my church and all the ladies 75-90 all had on an ugly Christmas sweater from years GONE by and I am sure they had no idea how we laugh and make fun of their ugly sweaters. I think I was the only lady there with just a sweater on LOL Even one man had on his stylist ugly Christmas sweater LOL
    It was fun

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  26. This is so funny Vickie. Love this post. You will look stunning in our Christmas sweater vest.
    Kris

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  27. I laughed when you called getting older the caterpillar effect. It unfortunately makes a lot of sense! LOL. I used to own a plethora of those Christmas sweaters and even sweatshirts. I always dug them out at Christmas time and hated to part with them when the holidays were officially over. But..........now that they've become a fashion faux pa, they've all been donated to Goodwill. I guess someone is using them for something funny now!

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  28. Oh Vickie, you made me laugh a lot! I'm definitely in the same group (I mean, that ugly M) and I understand what you are talking about haha. You know Christmas is in summer here, it's very hot these days so imagining sweaters is something difficult for me, I didn't know about them till your post.
    I'm also waiting for a pic of you with your sweater! I love Henriheada with her fan, so funny post!
    Besos!

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  29. OMG! I just read Pam's comment and it does look like that!!! Who dreams up these designs anyway! A guy? I wouldn't be caught dead in one and if I showed up at the party I'd wear something completely opposite...I am such a party pooper! But your post made me laugh, I never heard about the caterpillar thing and it fits! Yes, I am there too...bummer...the whole body has changed no matter what I do! Have fun and post us a picture of you wearing it! Merry Christmas!

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  30. Oh you crack me up! I'll match your caterpillar effect, and raise you with saggy bags over (yes you read that right) OVER my knees!! Love your smokin hot sweater!

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  31. This post is too funny! I love it. I bet you are going to look adorable in your fashionable find.
    Does the caterpillar turn into a butterfly after???? I sure hope so!!!
    Hugs,
    Patti

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  32. LOL what is it about those sweaters! Sad....I mean really sad that at one time they were not considered ugly....really? I do like the colors :-) And this mama is having lots of flashes lately too! Oh the joy!
    Merry Christmas :-)
    xx
    Anne

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  33. This post says it all. This is why I love you! You are SO funny. (And wise) I agree, what's with the ugly sweater stuff? Please. Can we keep a little dignity for our caterpillar bodies?

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  34. decided we should all wear an "Ugly Christmas Sweater". to work on the ... uuglysweater.blogspot.com

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