The Mystery of the Ugly Christmas Sweater.

This post is rated M for mature audiences.

I normally wear a uniform to work, but this year somebody 
decided we should all wear an "Ugly Christmas Sweater"

to work on the day of our holiday potluck.

Why, why, why?

(Whining like an Olympic skater who's just been clubbed in the knee.)

Fashions come and fashions go,
but who EVER thought these abominations were fashionable?

Over the past year, I've become a member of the middle-aged post M group.

Ewwww.  I don't even like the word, but you know what I'm talkin' bout.
The Ma'am Club.  No more,  "Can I help you with that, Miss?"
....... unless of course he's trying to sell you a car.  :o)

.  I've come to the conclusion that there are only 2 positive things
 about going through this particular change and here they are:

1.  First and foremost, you are alive and kicking.  This is a biggie.

2.  You may be lucky enough to have grandchildren, and I'm blessed with 4.

Let's see, where am I going with this?  Yes, where the heck AM I going with this?

Oh, yes.

I worked with a nurse, now retired, who taught us "younger" gals

about the caterpillar effect that would someday overtake our bodies.
  Oh, how we laughed at her descriptions of what was to come,
never in a million years thinking it would happen to us.

Fast-forward 15 years.

   One day you reach around to rub your aching back and you feel it.
(insert Jaws theme song here)

Back fat.  Yes, back fat.  I said it.

It doesn't matter how much you weigh, it shows up like a mosquito in a tent.

A few inches lower comes the midriff bulge, followed closely by saddlebags.
  Blip, blip, blip.  Suddenly you've morphed into a caterpillar on legs!

Yikes!

Now that I've experienced the CE firsthand, I think I've unlocked the mystery

of who designed the very first Ugly Christmas Sweater.......

a charter member of The Ma'am Club! 

Think about it.  Nobody even notices the shape of your body because they 

can't look past the U.G.L.Y. you've got plastered to you torso!

Genius I say!
Let's add number 3 to the list.

3. Insight.

After searching far and wide, (our local Goodwill and Salvation Army have already sold out)
I found the first of many Ugly Christmas Sweaters I'll be wearing this holiday season

at my local Walmart.  Hurry out and buy one for yourself before they're gone!

She looks smokin' hot and I'm sure I will, too!

(Or maybe it's just because she's wearing a fireplace.)

What will you be hiding under wearing this holiday season?

This post has been brought to you by one hot-flashing mama!
Vickie

*You can find me partying at:
Common Ground Be Inspired

There's a skeleton in my closet.

Now that the eve of ghosts and goblins is upon us, I feel the time is right to  

resurrect an old post I deleted.  When I attracted my very first follower
 I hit the panic button and deleted a few of my questionable posts.

You know the posts I'm talking about.  In the early days of blogging when

you don't give a hoot who's reading and you show your true colors.

Yes, those posts.

So, without further ado, today I'm subjecting treating you to my favorite deleted post
and in the process, exposing one of the skeletons in my closet.

Post title:  Knock, knock.
Originally published in the fall of the year 2010.
 Playlist song that accompanied post, I Hear You Knocking by Dave Edmunds.

Let me set the stage for you.

It's a lazy Saturday morning and you're sleenavutzing (my Baba's term for lazing around)
on the couch with your laptop and cup of coffee, still wearing your ratty old jammies,
hair all askew and no make-up,  last night's pizza box and dirty dishes on the kitchen table,
 Hershey's Extra Creamy Milk Chocolate Nuggets with Toffee and Almonds wrappers strewn about,
and the unthinkable happens.......


the doorbell rings!!!!

Yikes!!!!

Now I'm not sure what the average Joe does in a situation like this,
but here at 911, I've been known to drop to the floor and crawl to the nearest hiding spot,
puh-ray-ing  that I remembered to lock the doors the night before!

I was talking to a friend one day when she mentioned having to perform
the combat crawl to avoid a bothersome relative knocking at her door.
What?!!  There's actually a name to this maneuver
 and it's practiced in households other than my own?!   Well, call me relieved!
I'm normal, after all.

I'm quite sure it's a genetic trait I've inherited and passed on to one of our two daughters.
  I carry the slithery trait, but my husband most definitely does not.
 He's one of those people who always answers the phone, and likewise the door.
  He gets irritated with me when I stage whisper, "I'm not home!" as I
run up the stairs two at a time towards a safe haven.

He's not a natural at fabricating little white lies on the spot either.
He even tries to shame me into answering the door by saying,
 "There is something seriously wrong with you!"  to which I reply,
"No, there's something wrong with you.  Everybody does this!"

Don't they?



Well. I gotta run.
Somebody's at the door!!!

Bill:   "Ummmm, Vickie?  Vickie who?  Oh, her.
Ahhhh, let me think.  I saw her put her running shoes on,
so she's probably out training for next year's Grandma's Marathon.
 I'm sure she won't be home for hours, possibly even days.

(I've never run a mile in my life.  Intentionally, that is.)

So tell me.  What's in your closet?

Vickie

Laughter is the best medicine.

It's been a busy few weeks here at 911, but not a single

project has been completed  (or photographed)....by me.

I've painted the dark stained trim in our front entryway, and I'm suffering from a slight case

of painter's remorse.  I know I'll be happy when it's all done, but it will take

some getting used to.  We finally have the old iron bed (with a new mattress and box spring)

 back in the guest bedroom, but of course the old bed skirt is too short.  Sigh.

  The window boxes have been repaired and I planted the flowers yesterday,

 but I'm still deciding what cutout design I want on the wood shutters

we have yet to make.  I should be working on a  top secret project that's got

to be completed by Sunday morning.  I'll get to it in a minute.  :)

We've cleaned out our garage, and for the first time in years

we can actually walk through without tripping on junk!

While looking through boxes stored in the garage, I came across something I thought

I had inadvertently thrown away.  Even after all these years,  it still makes me laugh.

Apparently our daughter's teacher approved of her answers.

See if you can find the one that cracks me up.

I hope you find something that makes you laugh today.

Vickie

Pssst.  Happy Birthday to Tracy at Crow's Feet Chic !

Hey girl.

If you haven't heard about the Hey Girl Valentine Party

going on over at Bliss Ranch, you better get yourself on over

and join the fun!

Since I need the voice of reason to prime the last

two dining room chairs, I'm not going to link his likeness to the party.

  Below is a picture of Santa.  
Let me clarify that for you.  Santa. 

Hmmmm....something about those eyes.

Well, a few of my goofy friends wanted to jump on the bandwagon,

or in this case the bed, so I let them join the party, too.

You've heard it from the experts!
There.  Is.  Nothing.  Wrong.  With.  Me.

Don't be shy, join the party!
(You have until February 13th to link up your "Hey Girl" photo.)

Just havin' a little fun up here on da Range!
Vickie

Size matters.

When I was younger, I'd jokingly tell my mother that

the older a person gets, the smaller their Christmas tree gets.

That is how I interpreted what I observed in our family.

Google Images

My Baba had the traditional lighted ceramic tree.
 No fuss, no muss.

Google Images

My mother displays a mid-sized tabletop model. 

Still a tree, but easy to manage.

Me?

Yes, I've still got the full size, too big for my house number.

If you knew what I go through every year to get that tree up and shining, you'd

truly be amazed!  In fact, the contestants of Survivor ain't got nuttin' on me!

Tree Retrieval Process at 911

After I descend into the Mancave, I'm forced to enter a very narrow

closet housing the 220 degree steam pipes.  I shimmy past those, while sucking

in my...... well, everything in fear of being burned.  And believe me,
I've got a few scars from past encounters!

Google Images

 If I make it safely past the hot pipes, I duck down to enter
the Hobbit Closet, which is a term that loosely describes the small space
 under our basement stairs where our tree spends the majority of the year.
 Unfortunately it's also the spot where I pile all the things
 I didn't know what to do with for the past 11 months.

 Yes, my tree is under an avalanche about to happen.

Wikipedia

When I finally get to the zippered bag and bins that hold the three parts

of my tree, I've got to carry the whole works out over my head!

It's the only way to get past the hot pipes.

And......

I have to accomplish this entire task without getting between the

cave dweller and his massive television!!!

Whew!

Every year I'm optimistic that I've found the perfect spot for

Too Large Tree.  I may as well come clean about what happened

last year as I was manhoovering (term used by youngest offspring to

describe how she had to park the big ole' car we gave her for college)

the furniture around to make way for TLT.

I blamed it all on those mischievous elves when it was actually.....

The Manhoover Maneuver

that broke the leg off my 22 year old couch!
I was dragging it across the rug and snap!

It has been repaired, but now that I've come clean, I'm hoping

Santa will deliver a new couch to 911 this year.

Although.......there is the curbside theft find incident. 

I'll be better next year, Santa.  I promise!

So, there really is a mathematical equation to figure out

what size Christmas tree your house should be sporting

and here it is:

Upper body strength + hip circumference x closet size - bank account % age = tree size

By my calculations I've still got a few years of tree hauling ahead of me, but

I'm planning for the future, and the trees pictured below are lookin' mighty fine!

mattjessicapope.blogspot.com

I've shown you mine, and now I want to know,
How big is yours?

Vickie

Head and shoulders, knees and toes.......

You've seen them.

They're everywhere.

Baby doll heads.

So tell me, have you jumped on the headhunting bandwagon yet?

I'm afraid I, myself, have succumbed to their creepy charm.

Mine sits on top of the medicine cabinet next to a vintage tin.

My collection of one.  Just one.

Well, if you've thumbed through the newest issue of Flea Market Style,

I'm sure you've seen this head turning collection on page 125.

He found his first doll head in the woods.

And will not remove a doll head from its body.

It must be found already detached.

Yeah, right.

Now I don't spend a whole lot of time hiking in the woods (deer ticks and creepy,

crawly things everywhere) but I can say without a doubt that I've never seen

a stray doll head amongst the leaves and fallen trees!

And when I'm vacuuming under the couch cushions, I've often

found Peanut M & M's, but decapitated heads, not so much.

When digging new holes for the sorry trees I've planted, I've

found a few stray glass marbles, but I've yet to hit a

porcelain doll head with my shovel. 

And during the biannual cleaning of my refrigerator,

I'm sure to find a wilted head of lettuce, but a Cabbage Patch

doll head?  Not likely.

So, I can't help but wonder,

 "Where are all these doll heads coming from?"

My Betsy Wetsy's curly top head is still attached to her 50 year old body,

so I know they don't get old and fall off. 

Which brings me to this frightening conclusion.

It's the mommies!!!

Shame on them.

They're tippy toeing into sissy's room late at night and plucking the heads 

right off the beloved baby dolls!  What is wrong with them? 

Will we be seeing these.....

(Picasa photo editing.)

...popping up on all the etsy sites? 

 Really now.

A lousy quarter under the pillow in exchange for Baby Boo Boo's head?! 

Then there's the question of,

"Where are all the bodies going?"

To the local landfill?  Tossed in the Virginia woods? 

Avant-garde jewelry?

 Cut apart for cabinet hardware?

Or maybe......



Off to the North Pole to be repurposed at Santa's workshop!

My mischievous little elves put their heads together and came up with a
brilliant idea.  They will be filling the doll bodies with dirt to create a new style of
Chia Pets!!! 
Be sure to add one to your Christmas wish list!

Another mystery solved.

Thanks for heading my way,

From the headquarters of Detective Ranger 911

*The vintage truck cab and trailer were found in 2 different antique shops

in Wisconsin.  I bought the trailer first and couldn't believe my luck when I

found the mismatched cab to pull it!  They were $10 each.

Joining the parties at:
Funky Junk Interiors Saturday Nite Special
Knick of Time Tuesday

Curb My Enthusiasm

Ha HA!  Caught your attention didn't I?!  Yup, all you junkers are thinking I've found myself a truck full of freebies.  Not only do I not have a truck, I've yet to come across free curbside treasures in my neck of the woods.  The truck shown on the left was actually borrowed from Google Images.  I'd prefer a more vintage ride myself.  (The aqua piece on top of the pile does look rather promising.)

I'm amazed by all the good stuff my fellow bloggers find in their neighborhoods.

For instance, look what Miss Bliss (Bliss Ranch) found on a country road near her house....

Junk, you say?  Au contraire.....

For a pocket full of change, she turned it into this!

And then there's Rose (Confessions of a Curbshopaholic).  Multitasker that she is, she was driving to work, talking on the phone, doing her nails, grooming her dogs, and planning her next outdoor project when she spotted these.....

A whole boatload, or should I say vanload of old doors!  What, you ask, does she do with this stuff?

Oh, yes.  She is a skilled carpenter and creates furniture for friends.  Did I mention that we've become best friends?  Mmm, hmmm.  I think we made a deal.  50 sock monkeys for a bench like this. :@

So, I've been wondering.  Is there good junk like they've found laying around in my neighborhood?  Am I just not looking hard enough?  Now that it's light in the morning when I'm on my way to work, I've made it my mission to  pay  more  attention  to what's on the side of the road. 

 It hasn't even been one week and I've hit pay dirt!!!!

I wasn't really paying attention, just changing radio stations in my car when I spied this from my peripheral vision. Get ready!  Here it comes.....

Do you see them?  Hiding in plain sight behind the dumpster?

Sorry gals, I found them first!  A twofer!!!!

Not just one, but two er....vintage? sofas.  Here I was worrying all day at work that they'd be gone by the time I got home.  Not only were they still there, they were joined by their mattress cousin.  A threefer?

Fa*bu*lous!!!

I'm quite taken with this floral pattern.  I've still got 8 boxes of blue canning jars in the garage that will bring out the turquoise flowers in this sofa.  Toss in a few burlap pillows.  A wood pallet coffee table. 

 Yes, lovely indeed.

This pattern really doesn't do a thing for me.  I've seen tutorials for painted upholstery.  Maybe a slipcover.  Or tear all the upholstery and stuffing off and create a piece of outdoor furniture.  If anybody has a pet snake, I might even find him a breakfast mouse in the stuffing. 

Of course I wouldn't touch these if somebody paid me don't have the room in our house for these retro shabby couches, but I'm sure there's a place for them, other than the local dump.

Maybe it's time to turn our garage (formerly a floral shop) into a spot for occasional sales.

What would I call it.   Hmmmm.......

Occasional sales by

The Stinky Sister.

Thanks for joining Friday Morning Coffee Talk.

Stinky Vickie

OMG, I'm going to be published!!!!

Holy monkey business, Batman, I'm going to be published!!!  On a lark, I posed my vintage monkeys to add this photo at the end of my last post.  This morning I checked my emails and found a message that was sent yesterday by Carl Germann.  Who is Carl Germann?  Just the Managing Editor of features for none other than Martha Stewart Living magazine!!!!

They would like to do a feature including my vintage sock monkeys AND some of the Studio 911 original monkeys I've created and featured on my blog!!!

These monkeys have all gone to new homes, but they will be forever in my heart.

Lena.

Fairy godmonkey.

Miss Maisy.

And Hope.

I'm so excited I can hadrly pyte!!!

I'm going to become famous!!!

In my dreams!

April Fools!!!

Thanks for reading this foolish post.

Vickie

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes.

Last week at work we were given the opportunity to participate in an online personality evaluation.  After answering a number of questions about our personality traits, we were categorized into color groups.

I am a gold.

The survey says I live by the motto, "A place for everything and everything in its place."  Our daughters can surely attest to that.  I'm also a rule follower.  True.  I always return my shopping cart to the cart corral.  I'm organized, dependable, punctual, blah, blah, blah.  Okay.

Now for the part that wasn't quite so flattering.

How others perceive me.....

Bossy!

Controlling!!

Rigid!!!

Boy they sure don't sugarcoat it!

  They really hit the nail on the head with this one.....

Lags behind in technology!!!!

How do they know this stuff ?!

( And what else do they know about me? )

They are right.  I don't have a Facebook account.  My decade old cell phone doesn't twitter.  Well, not that I know of.  No texting.  No Kindle.  And most importantly no Pinterest account!!!!

That's it.  Time for a change.  Rigid!  Set in my ways!  Afraid of change!   I'll show them!

I took the bull by the horns and set up a Facebook page.  Yes.  I.  Did.  It's now floating around in cyberspace and  I don't care!  I never wanted one in the first place.  I only set it up so I could open a Pinterest account!

• Open Facebook page.  Check.
• Start Pinterest account.  Check.

As we all know, Google Friend Connect will soon be history.  So, I joined Linky followers and added it to my sidebar if you'd like to follow me that way.

• Add Linky widget to blog.  Check.

April 19 will be a sad day for many bloggers, myself included.  Picnik free photo editing will be history.  Gone.  Finito.  I'm sorry to say, I haven't found another easy-to-navigate, free, photo editing program, so I can't check this item off my list.  I'm hoping a tech savvy blogger ( probably a Blue personality ) will help us all out and blog about a wonderful new photo editing site they've found!

Now, I will say, this survey wasn't completely accurate.  It said I was frugal.  I guess that's true in some cases.  It also said I have a tendency to drive under the speed limit.  I only know of 3 people in the whole universe who drive under the speed limit and I'm not one of them....... unless, of course, I happen to see this....

or this......

( All images with the exception of sunflower photo courtesy of Google Images )

In the end, I feel I've grown immensely as a result of participating in this personality evaluation.  Oh yes,  I'm happy to say, I'm no longer the rigid, controlling, bossy person I once was.  Well, gotta go.  My cell phone is honking, I mean tooting, or is it tweeting?  Whatever.

:@

No longer afraid of change,

Vickie

One more thing.

Julie and Megan, you can now remove this from your Pinterest boards.